The shame that comes with the irresponsible choices of m3n, has always been placed on the shoulders of women. I saw it yesterday and I finally understood why women opt to cover up for irresponsible m3n. The world will always pick their side
A woman gets beaten up and the question that people are quick to ask is why she picked him and not why we live in a world that gives m.e.π that impunity to abuse women.
I have never been abused physically by a maπ but I live with the knowledge that by the age of 50, one in three women will have experienced intimate partner violence.
What those numbers tell you is that it isn't about the choices women make. It is a lack of accountability towards the perpetrators of violence. M3π beat up women because they know they can get away with it. And a very large number of them are beating up wom3n and that means each one of us is vulnerable. Anyone can end up with an abusive partner. It isn't a choice one makes.
I was watching television on Saturday night and they indicated that 45% of Kenyan children are being raised by single mothers. That means almost half of the m3n in Kenya are irresponsible and yet when we bring up the topic about deadbeat dads, people are quick to point out that women picked irresponsible m3π, and never will they ask why the world is full of irresponsible m3π who cannot show up for a sacred duty such as fatherhood.
I talk to people who live in countries that have systems that hold men accountable and they will tell you that men get vasectomies, wear condoms, and they are afraid of getting women pregnant more than anything in the world because they know the government will always make them pay that child support.
That means that the rising number of deadbeat dads in this country isn't as a result of women choosing irresponsible m3π. It is as a result of society teaching men that they can get away with not taking care of their children because the system we live in isn't strict enough to enforce accountability.
I have encountered divorced women, who did a whole church wedding thing but ended up with deadbeat baby daddies upon the divorce because they refused to allow these m3π to control them. The systems of accountability are so broken to the point where m3π use children as bargaining chips to blackmail mothers into doing what they want.
I have encountered women who only receive child support when they agree to have sex with their baby daddies because you can trust meπ to always use money as a tool of control.
I have encountered women who have deadbeat baby daddies who went ahead to be perfect step fathers to other men's children because most men will only provide for their children when they have access to your body and to your labor.
All that is enabled by irresponsible parents who enable irresponsible sons, a justice department that does nothing to enforce accountability, and a corrupt government that would rather pass bills that protect cheating m3π having children out of wedlock.
We can stand here and tell women to choose responsible men but we have to understand that in this day and age you have higher chances of being a single mother than of being a wife with a providing spouse.
We have to understand that the issue of deadbeat dads is more of a systematic issue than a personal issue because anyone can be responsible when they have no other choice but to be responsible.
And it is not as if irresponsible m3π come with special identification cards that tell you they are irresponsible. Irresponsible m3π are our brothers, our fathers who provide for us while neglecting the children they had outside marriage before they met our mothers, and they are also our bosses and our friends who choose to be responsible in every other sector other than in being good parents.
To be a woma.n in this country is to live with the knowledge that you can end up with a partner who beats you up or a partner who makes you a single mother. It is to live with the knowledge that when you get beaten up, the world will focus on shaming you more than they will focus on shaming the abuser. It is to live with the knowledge that you could end up being the parent who stayed and you will not even do it in peace. There will always be insults and shame reserved for you to carry.
I truly hate it here. And I do not know what it will ever take for us to understand collectively that a system that shames women for m3n's choices also incentivises and emboldens abusers and deadbeats.
If you see women who made the decision to stay unmarried and childfree, leave them alone.
They knew something most of us didn't know and they are at least not gambling with their lives because the greatest gamble we make in our lives as a woman is having children and being in romantic relationships with m3π.
Happy New Week!
